I chose flowersandapplesauce as the name for my instagram art account because I thought it sounded unique and pithy. Later, when I decided to create a website for my art, I stuck with this misnomer because I felt it would be memorable and easier to type in a search engine than “mariecarnogurskyart.net”. “Flowers and applesauce” was originally the title of a song my high school boyfriend wrote for me. He named it such because those were two of my favorite things- picking flowers and eating applesauce.
He was immensely creative, a talented musician, and a deep thinker. But I looked down on him. I made him less than me. You hear a lot of stories about men abusing their partners. Our relationship was the opposite. We met when I was 14.
To avoid the pain of abuse done to me in my childhood, I reflexively suppressed the memories. But nothing is every truly suppressed, and later, when I met him, I avoided the pain by passing it on to him. I hurt him in many ways. I tore through life and the people around me like a rabid, thoughtless animal. And when I should have felt sorry for what I had done, I only felt sorry for myself. While victimizing everyone around me, I still saw myself as the victim.
One day, I learned that while I was a victim- a victim of something truly evil and unescapably torturous- that didn’t give me the right to make victims out of other people. The cycle of abuse is extremely difficult to end, but that doesn’t make it okay to continue. As out-of-control as I was, I had to take responsibility for my actions as best as I could. I needed help, and I found it in Jesus. I became a Christian, and my life hasn’t been the same since.
To this day, I still have difficulty accepting what happened to me as a child. The pain and confusion of my trauma has led to pain and confusion in hearing and accepting the message of Christianity. I don’t understand how the human race merits the punishment of eternal damnation if we are so desperately in need of saving. If we need a savior that is Jesus Christ, then doesn’t that make us helpless? If we are indeed helpless, then how can we deserve punishment? I was raised Catholic, and the concept of hell is something that has troubled me from a very young age.
I still don’t know what to make of myself and my past actions. Did I ever have a choice? I struggle with that feeling of powerlessness that I know so many people with PTSD suffer from. But even if I didn’t have a choice back then, I know I do today. The love and support of people in my community has given me the option of always being able to receive help when I need it. But the supernatural help of God has done most of the heavy-lifting. I have been freed from so many toxic and destructive behaviors, behaviors that no amount of therapy, medication, or sympathy from my family and friends could have cured.
I’ve done some very evil things in my past, and I’ve known people who have done evil things. I don’t know if any of us are truly evil or just broken. The best way for me to understand it is that we are sick with a disease that all humans to some degree suffer from, which is selfishness and cowardice. You are either recovering from this disease or your soul is slowly dying from it. This may not seem evident in our society today, but if society were to collapse- if your survival meant stepping on the toes of another- would you do it? Deep down, this is a part of ourselves we all have to face. And if it weren’t for the example of bravery and Love that Jesus Christ gave me, I would never have been able to.